#AskMesha: Am I Being a Fugazi Friend by Dating My Friends Ex?

First and foremost all #AskMesha submissions will remain confidential – names and identities will never be revealed!

“Hey Mesha,
I’m looking for some help. So there’s this guy who’s on my radar. On paper he’s perfect. Looks good, seems to have his stuff together, 30 and childless 🙌🏾. We’ve gone on a couple of dates and we relate well and have great conversation but here’s the dilemma… A friend of mine and him had a situationship a couple of years ago. Am I breaking the code trying to pursue this?”

Think Like A Man (2012)
Date Night! – Think Like A Man (2012)

Nowwwww girrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllll! lol I got questions!  How close is this friend? How intense was this “situtationship”? Was this friend confiding in you about this situationship at the time?

Girlfriends - Joan & Mya
Girlfriends – Joan & Mya

These are all crucial questions that can determine if you should go there or not. Men are scarce these days, especially good ones and a Thirty something year old man with no kids is a damn unicorn! So I ain’t even mad that you wanted to get to know him! But the fugazi part is that you are actually dating this guy and you haven’t told your friend!

Insecure - Girlfriends in deep thought
Insecure – Molly, Issa and Tiffany

The very first thing you should have done is ask your friend if this ex is off-limits and move forward from there. But hey we’re here!

To me there are levels to friendships:

  1. Is this an internal friends? Someone that is in your inner circle, is apart of you girl group conversations, you go on girl trips together and you’ve had intense life conversations with.
  2. Or is this an external friend? Someone who you have a specific type of relationship with (parties/work events etc). They could be more of one of your friend’s friend and is thus around your internal friends, you go out with this friend but don’t really discuss the inner workings of your life.

Now don’t get me wrong both friends can mean a lot to you BUT one of these friends are more valued than the other.

Why Did I Get Married (2007)
Why Did I Get Married (2007)

All I’m saying is define the type of friend that this person is to you and based on that proceed accordingly.

BUT the fact that you have been communicating with this man and have actually gone on dates with him it’s clear that ain’t yo’ friend!  You’ve already gone too far and there seems to be more to the story than what you’ve written.

Toni Triflin' Ass Childs - Girlfriends
Girlfriends – Toni Triflin’ Ass Childs

So if you value this friendship you will stop! Don’t pass go! Go straight to jail bitch you foul! You’ve already crossed the line and are in jeopardy of causing a rift between you and your friend.  Yes we know the struggle is real but hear wah: Good friend betta dan pocket-money!

Have a conversation with your friend, keep it 100 and let her know whats going on and how you feel. You’ve already crossed the line so maybe you being genuinely sorry (or not) and reflective about your decision you can salvage the relationship. Just be prepared for whatever the outcome may be. Or they may not even care and give you the go ahead; either way honesty is key here!

Living Single - Maxine, Khadijah, Sinclair and Regine
Living Single – Maxine, Khadijah, Sinclair and Regine

PS. This is also a PSA to friends! If your friend is interested in someone you’ve dated previously and has done the right thing in approaching you don’t be a hater! Especially if you’re moved on and you’re happy, Let your friend be great! Give them the go ahead especially if the situation wasn’t that serious and was years ago.

— Ms. Mesha Gaye

To submit your questions you can send an email to mesha.porter@gmail.com or hit me up on social media @msmeshagaye or @suchaprettmess!


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